Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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