Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Randomize
