Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
