as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
