mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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