Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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