I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
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Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
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He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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