I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Pants are for mortals
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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