i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
