I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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