My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
