census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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