I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
