I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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