I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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