i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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