just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
