I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
