you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize