I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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