I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
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