Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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