Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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