I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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