i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
