where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
