Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
