Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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