Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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