"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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