my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
