I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
