I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.