your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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