I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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