So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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