Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
