In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
