apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
