I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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