hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
