goodnight i made you a song goodbye
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
