it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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