I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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