Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
