dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
