i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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