I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Randomize
