community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
You are a genius and a whore.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
