ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
