What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
