I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
