I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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