Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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