oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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