My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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