There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
