i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
